Private lives: I want to patch things up with my sister . I don't know whether to accept the situation or to try to change things.
We fought constantly throughout our childhood. I was always laid- back, independent and physically distant, whereas she was moody, affectionate and prone to fits of jealousy. She would attack me physically and verbally; I would respond by retreating into a book and completely ignoring her. Our father chose to spend more time with me, pointing out to her that I was far more like him than she was. Apart from this, our parents treated us both equally. After leaving home, I moved to another city and saw my sister only at family gatherings. A few years ago, I began to worry we were missing out on a . She took the opportunity to list a series of events from our teenage years and then left angrily, saying that she didn't want to see me again. I wrote to her to try to resolve things, but didn't get a reply. I was invited to her wedding a year or so ago, but we spent the whole evening avoiding each other, despite relatives trying to get her to come over for a chat. She and her husband are planning a family and I find the thought of never seeing my nieces or nephews pretty upsetting, especially as my partner and I have decided not to have children. I am also concerned about what will happen in the future when family events make it necessary for us to cooperate. How can I deal with a situation like this? You can't get her to suit you. You want a sibling relationship, you want to be an aunt, you want your sister to cooperate with you, but you neglect to mention any loving feelings for her. Why did you avoid her at her own wedding? My Husband Wants Me To Patch Things Up His Mother . I Hate My Mother In Law. Patch.com; Our Mobile Apps: iPhone; iPad. Marriage Advice: 20 Things You Should Always Tell Your Husband. Waking up in your arms is the best feeling in the world. It was her big day, not yours. She must be doing something right if she has got a stable relationship and is planning a family. Your problem seems to be: . I have learned a lot through the experience, though: you cannot make someone love you and jealousy is the most corrosive emotion. Don't become obsessed with trying to resolve things - I did this and had a breakdown. Write to her apologising for your behaviour when you were young, but move on. Life is short. JF, Argyll. Change your own behaviour. You say that when arguments happened, you used to retreat into a book and ignore your sister. Yet conflict can be a search for intimacy: when people who love you goad and provoke you, it is often because they really want to get closer to you. You cannot change other people, but you can change the dynamic between you and your sister by altering your own behaviour. It isn't in your gift to . Things changed between me and my younger sister when I started to empathise with her present feelings and needs by acknowledging these rather than telling her she was wrong to have them. She was then more open to hearing about my own feelings and opinions. If you focus on your vulnerability, perhaps your sister will see you as an equal and not someone who always sets herself apart from her by being more magnanimous and sensible. SB, Sheffield. Accept it and move on. Sometimes parents, however unwittingly, foster sibling rivalry. My parents never hid the fact that my sister was their favourite child and this unhealthy situation warped our affection for each other. Your sister was probably deeply hurt and angered by your father's preference for you. In my case, constant comparisons with my sister spurred me on towards emotional independence from my family and gave me the determination to pursue my own personal and professional success. Your sister seems to be adamant that she doesn't want to communicate with you any more, so perhaps you should just accept the situation, unless you are prepared to listen to and empathise with her. Perhaps if children are important to you, you should reconsider your decision not to have them. Having a loving family of my own has been incredibly healing for me. As for the future - my sister and I were forced to meet recently to sort out family business. We behaved with perfect, if rather frigid politeness, but there was definitely no urge to do or say more. To be honest, I hardly recognised her. We are strangers but oddly enough, at least for me, it really does feel OK now. Name and address withheld. See things from her point of view. If you are serious about wanting to improve your relationship with your sister, try harder to see things from her point of view. I had very difficult relationships with both my siblings, but over the past couple of years, my sister and I have put in lots of time trying to repair things; it's a joy to have her back in my life. We kept on talking - empathy and startling honesty was what did it for us. We tried and failed to do the same with our brother, but he has decided that he is not interested in a relationship with us, and we have finally accepted defeat there. SW, London. What the expert thinks - Linda Blair. There is no such thing as a . There are probably as many different sibling relationships as there are siblings who have them. What I think you mean is that you would like to have a civil relationship, one where you and your sister feel comfortable together. Your relationship could, I believe, be much more comfortable than it is now. However, I do not think you are going to be able to achieve this without a great deal of effort. This is not because of what has occurred already, but rather because the two of you interpret what happens from such radically different viewpoints. It sounds as though you are a rational individual - you are trying to approach the situation logically - but your sister is led by her emotions. That is why she is so often hurt, whereas you are simply baffled. Let's examine your attempts so far to sort out the differences between the two of you: your sister lists a series of events that she felt slighted by, but that you considered to be trivial. You were, of course, both right. In a logical sense they were insignificant, but to your sister they felt important because she had been hurt by them. Although there was no need for you to do so, it would have comforted her if you had apologised for hurting her, even if this was done inadvertently. She invited you to her wedding and it is likely that she intended this to be a huge gesture of reconciliation - whereas you probably interpreted it as the obvious thing to do, simply because you are her sister. Yet, if you had approached her and thanked her profusely for inviting you, she would have felt more understood and valued by you. Your reactions to your sister are not wrong - they are simply logical. Her reactions to you are not wrong either - it is just that they are emotional. The problem, however, is that your sister does not appear to want an amicable sibling relationship as much as you do. Therefore, if you want your relationship to improve, you will have to be the one to change. Do not ask others to intervene: deal with your sister directly, to show her how important she is to you. Try not to ask her to explain herself, as she obviously considers that to be threatening. Just accept that you are probably not going to understand her completely. Try to see things from her point of view rather than from your own. For example, on her birthday it may seem sufficient to send a card, but try making a more thoughtful gesture: send flowers or a gift that she will treasure. Stop worrying about future events. You cannot possibly predict how she will feel once she has children, or how she'll react in circumstances when you'll have to work together, such as when a close relative dies. Simply show her that you care about her and that you don't expect anything from her. I can't promise you that she will come around, but by trying to see life as she sees it, you can rest easier knowing that at least you've tried your best to show her how much you care about and value her. Next week: My husband won't pull his weight. I got married 2. 3 years ago, having been very independent, with my own career, flat, friends and interests. I willingly gave up this independence to concentrate on my four children, gradually building up to full- time work again as they grew older. I have progressed in my job but it does not inspire me or give me satisfaction. I made the family my priority, taking care of 9. He was free to work long hours, have weekends away and play golf. Three of our children have now left home and the youngest has only one more year left here. My partner scaled down his work commitments a year ago without discussing it with me and I am stuck working full- time, unable to reduce my hours as I want to maintain my income level to avoid being financially dependent on him. I have now found a job I really want to do, which is very badly paid, with long hours. It involves training and could lead to a new career, but in order for me to pursue this, my partner would need to take a bigger caring and financial role with the family. He refuses to do this, claiming that he doesn't want to give up his freedom, but I feel I have earned my right to change my life after suppressing my desire for adventure for so long. Nevertheless, I feel I cannot abandon the remaining child unless my partner is willing to step in, but he gets very angry whenever I try to discuss it with him. How can I find a solution to the situation? You are invited to respond to this week's main problem. If you would like fellow readers and Linda Blair to answer a dilemma of yours, send us an outline of the situation of around 2. For advice from Pamela Stephenson on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns. All correspondence should reach us by Tuesday morning: email private. Private Lives, The Guardian, 1. Farringdon Road, London EC1.
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